perspiration trailed down the side of maria’s face. a liquid line of effort that threatened to smear the delicate makeup her coach had applied before the competition. it was a small feat that she had made it this far, having only started training last year. she hadn’t doubted herself even once in that entire time. 

she was not a girly girl. her short hair barely made it into the tight, over gelled and overly hair sprayed bun that hurt her scalp. she had never shaved her legs until her coaches began insisting that hundreds of eyes would be on her. on her body, on her form as she sailed through the air and contorted into mind bending poses. 

it had all been for a boy. an excuse to use the gym at the same time as the wrestling team and clean up with him afterwards. jason cunningham, the student body president and captain pro-tempore of the wrestling team. six and a half feet of muscle. a mop of brown hair over sharp features and a cleft chin. he was an all american boy, a jock by every standard, and he had a softness for gymnasts. 

maria fondly remembered the flirtatious after practice conversations between them and how one day she had worked up enough courage to kiss him on the gym floor. she could still feel his heart racing underneath her. his exasperated, almost desperate reciprocation that had sealed their relationship in stone the very same day. she hadn’t ever felt that way about a boy before. it was new, exciting, and not in the first relationship kind of way. 

she was more confident than she had ever been with jason in the stands. his voice boomed her name above the noise of the crowd and she felt ready to take on the world. the routine was a simple back handspring, that with a flourish and turn, was easily converted into a roundoff. it would put her in the right position for the vaulting horse, where she could push off for two tucked somersaults, and hopefully land with grace and applause. 

the start was solid. air rushed around her long legs as she carved through space and sprung off the floor. she flurried her hands and her arms whipped as the turn straightened into a roundoff. the position was perfect. she could use her momentum fully, springing off the ground to a gasp from the crowd. the landing against her palms was delicate enough that maria’s limber arms folded underneath her, muscles in her upper body coiled. she exploded from the horse and used her longer, heavier legs to careen forward in the double somersault.  

she was a beacon. her body gleaming underneath thousands of dazzling facets. each rhinestone embedded in her snug emerald leotard throwing overhead light in every direction. at the apex of the second somersault, time froze. she was suspended in motion. the stands were a snapshot of expressive ooh’s and ahh’s, jason’s smiling face sticking out amongst them. midair, upturned; her position had shifted by a few degrees. a problem that rapidly presented itself as everything sped back up and her legs began to unfurl. 

the landing was shaky, just uneven enough that she stumbled for a half step before course correcting into a leap and a twirl. the crowd practically exploded. jason was screaming her name even louder. she felt invincible in the ocean of roaring triumph. hundreds of voices, camera flashes and mouths held agape had her already overflowing confidence surging to even greater heights. 

“you absolutely killed it today.” jason said. he turned the car away from the parking lot entrance in an effort to escape through the rear of St. Athens. a practiced move that would avoid the gridlock of parents leaving through the front. 

“oh, i don’t know.” maria said sheepishly. she did know, though. in her heart of hearts, she knew that the almost perfect score she had received on that final routine was every bit deserved. it actually irked her that it hadn’t been perfect. she would need to do better. 

“we could go to colors?” jason offered. 

colors was the local under 18s club. a hotspot for delinquency and a good time if you had a date. maria just liked the music, though the girls weren’t half bad either, but she had jason now and partying seemed like a waste. what this day really needed was a romantic dinner out. 

“dos chihuahuas instead?” maria countered. her favorite white people fusion food. it was cultural appropriation to the utmost gentrification, but damn did it taste good. not exactly romantic, though jason would be taking her home to an empty house, and they could certainly make it that afterwards. 

a buzz in her pocket signaled a phone call. she ignored it, waiting for jason to respond. he was doing the dorky, screwed up lip thing that meant something was on his mind. 

“what did i get last time, an encha-something?” he asked. 

“enchiladas.” maria said, snapping the phone open after checking who was ringing. 

“right, sure.” 

“¿hola princesa, cómo fue?” her mother asked, her soft voice just barely augmented by static. 

“maso mamá, perdí tres puntos.” 

“aye niña, está bien! felicidades.”¹ 

“is papa there?” 

“hi sweetheart.” her father said over the speaker phone. “sorry we couldn’t make it.”  

“it’s okay.” maria said. jason gave her a side eye and she returned the look in kind. it wasn’t okay. this was her day, her big moment to prove to everyone in her life that she was cut out for this, and they weren’t here. 

maria’s parents were on vacation, as usual. they had been abroad a lot recently, something she was unable to take part in because of school. both of them had retired early after her father’s company had been bought out by a major alphabet. they were in the final stretch of living their dreams, getting to see the world and experiencing all the luxury it had to offer. spain right now, prague the competition before, and lebanon before that. without her. 

“okay honey, we need to make our dinner reservations. we’re so proud of you.” her dad spoke from a distance away. of course this was just a courtesy call, it never really wasn’t. 

“i love you, princesa.”   

“bye mom, dad. love you both.” maria said, cheerfully faking. she snapped the phone shut and groaned.   

“why do you play so nice with them?” jason asked, frowning. 

“you have absent parents, you get it.” 

“sure…” he replied, letting the response trail into nothing. he focused on making the exit towards the strip mall housing dos chihuahuas. an uncomfortable silence settled into the already mildly tense atmosphere of the car. 

maria was frustrated, but she didn’t let it show in more than a tweaked lip. she still felt beautiful, still had the exhilaration coursing through her from nailing a well-practiced set of moves. they weren’t going to ruin that.  

maria tapped her foot anxiously, looking to jason, then down to her tights and the clinging curves of the leotard. he hadn’t even commented on it. yes, he had given her a big hug, a kiss for good measure, and congratulated her on the performance, but she wanted him to at least give a little credence to all the effort she’d gone through for him. that frustrated feeling redoubled. 

dos chihuahua’s had a distinctly suburban feel. the old building still existed, previously a massive sombrero shaped roof atop stylized walls. it had been renovated over with a facade and rather than having a fun, maybe slightly inappropriate vibe, it was just another flat beige square in front of a parking lot. a symptom of a bigger disease slowly eating its way through westchester, the state, and even the country at large. a flatification of sorts. 

jason scrutinized the entrees while maria waited patiently on her phone. she always got the chicken fajitas with extra elote and had been ready to order for a while, deciding to give jason more time anyway. he would probably just get soft tacos or enchiladas. a third frustrating pang. would it kill him to give her just a little? a few words, nothing crazy, not a sonnet or a flowing poem. she just wanted the recognition that he was as attracted to her as she was to him. he seemed more interested in the menu. 

“i know i’ve got this big coat on, but you could at least look a little bit…” maria pouted. her swim parka made a pronounced crinkle as she hugged it closer. it was extra frustrating to have it on, quadruply so. 

“i said before, you look great.”  

“you still aren’t looking.” maria noted. jason finally lifted his eyes from the menu and gave her a smile. it wasn’t really a smile, rather an upturn of his lips over a set jaw, but that was the best he could manage and she knew it. 

“you’re always beautiful, babe. i don’t need eyes to know that.” 

“hmmph.” she grumbled. it was hard to be mad at jason. he knew what to say and he could say it in a way that disarmed her. “you could still stand to look a bit more.” 

it wasn’t that jason didn’t want to look, he was a red-blooded man after all. maria had her suspicions about his latent sexuality issues and the way they manifested in the relationship. she had even asked him if he was bisexual, or gay, or maybe something else entirely. the supportive inquiry had been met with profuse denial, refusal even, to consider things like that. he was a straight man, confident in himself and his preferences. 

that didn’t change the fact he rarely displayed proof of those convictions. something that rubbed wrong with maria and her sense of pride. she was a perfectionist, an elite, a woman of high standing who was good at whatever she chose to do. gymnastics was proof of that. dating men, dating jason, was further evidence. a captain to be, an athlete like herself, a man who was by all standards attractive and even a little imposing. a perfect match for someone tall, graceful and abound with pride like maria. 

“are we ready?” a plain looking waitress asked. it knocked maria out of contemplation and she gave her usual order. 

“two of the pork soft tacos and an, uh, enchalada.” 

“right, two soft pork, one enchilada, chicken fajitas extra elote.” 

“perfect.” maria said. she fidgeted awkwardly in her seat, seeing jason give the woman more eye contact than her, emptying her third water glass and trying not to say anything she wouldn’t mean. 

silence pervaded the meal and the atmosphere in the nearly empty restaurant built up to the point it was unavoidable. maria felt compelled to speak. surely even he wasn’t thick skulled enough not to notice that she was upset. 

“something wrong?” jason asked, wiping his hands on a napkin. he had already devoured his soft tacos and was starting on the enchiladas. she stabbed at her fajitas, anger flowing across the fork to spear bits of seasoned chicken. 

“not really.” 

“you’re wrinkling your nose and looking into my soul, something is bothering you.” jason mumbled, mouth half full. 

“i’m the prettiest i’ve felt in months, the most girly, arguably the most lewd…” she said, waving a hand around the zipped-up parka. “and yet you’ve given more looks to ms. black shirt and jeans over there.” 

“well, i had to order.” jason replied sheepishly. she could tell he knew where this was going. snug creases had already joined anxiety lines at the corners of his mouth. her heart sank a little, a lump forming in her throat. 

“not the point.” 

“look, babe. i’m attracted to you, okay? we kiss, we make out.” he said, looking around for the waitress and any newcoming patrons. “i slap your ass, what gives?” 

“and that’s all we ever do.” maria pouted. it irked her that he brought up being handsy when it was only ever done as a joke. she wouldn’t have minded a little bit of teasing here and there, but his affection was more like what jocks did with each other after scoring a point than trying to cop a feel. 

“mia…” jason murmured. her pet name, the name only he called her. that was cheating. 

“no, jayce, i’m frustrated.” 

“i have problems, you know that.” 

“then talk to me about them? pour your heart out a bit? a lot? anything?” maria breathed. she was exasperated and even though his expression grew stiffer she pushed on. “the most i ever get is that it’s complicated.” 

“it is.” 

“this is what i mean!” maria growled. she hadn’t meant to raise her voice. the frustration had become an anchor sitting against her trachea. a few diners who had recently sat down glanced up from menus and over towards their table. she unruffled herself a bit. 

“i think we should take this to the car.” jason said, clearing his throat. 

“agreed.” 

the drive home was similarly awkward. it didn’t help that maria was in an even worse mood than when her parents had called. she tapped the dash with a silent fury that kept jason quiet and further stoked her startlingly volatile mood. “are you even going to ask?” 

“i was raised not to poke sleeping bears. especially angry bears.” jason said. his eyes were locked on the road and he was moving with a mechanical precision that alluded to being under quite a lot of stress. even that annoyed her. she was the one who was upset, who was aggrieved. where did he get off stressing out over the reaction he had caused? 

“the only reason i’m angry is because you’re being stubborn.” 

“i hate talking about it, mia. it makes me jittery, my voice breaks, i-” jason sputtered out. his voice did break and he shut his mouth with a pronounced clack. 

“jesus, jason. i don’t want to pry this out of you. it’s killing me not knowing how to deal with it. maria started, taking a deep breath. “i’m a woman! i want to be looked at and coveted and…touched…yaknow?” the question trailed and jason looked ghastly. his knuckles popped white against the steering wheel, matching a pale complexion marred by sucked in lips.  

“i know. it just scares the shit out of me to think about it.” 

“can you at least tell me what you need to be more comfortable?” she pushed. 

“time.” 

“we’ve been dating for two years jason, two years!” maria groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. 

“please, stop.” jason eeked out. this was so unbecoming of him, so against his stature and his aesthetic. so small and feeble that something in maria’s stomach turned. she actually felt revulsion for the first time in their two years together. 

“god forbid i want my boyfriend to fuck me!” she shouted. 

“please, charlotte!” jason screamed back. he slammed the breaks hard at the oncoming stop sign and the car jolted them both. maria blinked. she was half dumbfounded and half in shock. between the rough stop and the inexplicable outburst from jason, her mind was in a million different places. 

“what-” she started. 

“stop. fucking stop.” jason pleaded. he was shaking, breathing erratically. his whole body trembled with an acrid fear that maria hadn’t ever seen before. 

“alright.” 

the frustration was still heavy on her knit brow, anger seeping down to join it. clearly, she had hit a nerve, something to do with his sister, which put even more questions in mind. questions she couldn’t get answers to without more outbursts like this. it burned her up. made her want to rip the pins out of her hair and tear off the stupid girly leotard. he, of course, was ever the gentleman. 

“do you need a ride to keith’s? i gotta go over the spring formal budget, but i’ll drop you.” jason offered. 

“yeah.” 

“okay.” he said, exhaling slowly through his nose. calm, more settled, more like him. the confidence slowly coalesced, set his shoulders, and firmed up the rest of his temporarily weakened demeanor. 

it wasn’t something maria would let go. she couldn’t let it go. there were a million questions, a million more after that, and even if she totally exhausted his willingness to extrapolate on the things that had clearly shaken him to his core, she would probably have more questions. it was in her nature, it was who she was inherently. she had to know, needed to know, because not knowing meant living in a relationship with no hope of further intimacy.

---

1. EDITORS NOTE: this conversation translates roughly to: 
   “hi honey, how did it go?” 
   “so-so, i lost 3 points.” 
   “that’s still good! congratulations.”  ↩︎