“i don’t really care about you coming, but…i would’ve appreciated a heads up before you made me complicit.” jason said. he leaned forward on elbows, hands together and fingers steepled. if i didn’t have context for the situation, it might have given the impression he was deep in contemplation.  

maybe he was, maybe that posture was indicative of the shared nerves that actively frayed just a bit more with every second spent in the upstairs of the cunningham family’s model home. creases had formed in his black tux near the suede lapel, and they shifted again as he crossed one knee over the other. the wide legged dress slacks bunched up too, like he had compressed himself into a messy ball of visible stress; albeit one with incredibly gelled hair. 

“sorry, this was lacey’s plan.” i said, flubbing a grin into the side of my hand. it was mostly true, lacey had come up with the plan. getting ready at charlotte’s and meeting me for the dance were her ideas. i had just improvised and told dad that i was accompanying her to hang with jason, all technically things that were happening. the best alibis were simple stupid, almost always white lies, and it would give us an excuse if parents talked later. 

“all done!” maria announced, parading a dolled up lacey into the living room. her casual attire, a tank top, sweats and loose bun, all heavily contrasted with lacey’s look. head to toe glam, maria had gone all out. 

her usual messy waves were curled into neat drills, one cascading to the next in little rows that drew together in an elegant side part. light foundation and just the right amount of blush dusted her cheeks, making subtle eyeliner pop with colored corners that would have brought kelsey to tears. jason gave me a side eye and i stuttered out a response. 

“you look gorgeous, lace.” 

“maria did all the work…” she replied sheepishly, dropping her eyes and chewing on a glossy bottom lip. 

“char had some input, too.” maria said. she seemed damn proud of herself though, in a way that reminded me of seeing her fly through the air in front of an audience.  

“thank you maria, seriously. you didn’t have to.” 

“yeah.” jason said, another side eye at the both of us. maria made a sound like spitting water and flicked a wrist at jason, pulling lacey back into the powder room to finish the dress fitting. i was left to stare down my friend. “look, brother to brother, you’re in murky territory here, man.” he added. 

“can we have a real conversation where you don’t judge me?” i asked. jason sighed, his shoulders sagged a little and he laid back in his seat. for the second time, he had relaxed despite being visibly uncomfortable in the plush space.  

he was a king on his throne, piercing me with a judgmental gaze i’d been on the receiving end of more and more often these past few months. a handful of sheepskin throws helped to lift his crossed legs, and a similar pile of furry blankets underneath the whole of his frame put him squarely above my center of view. the way he was poring over me made it feel like i would end up as one of those pelts soon. 

“sure, what the hell.” jason said. he let out a heavy sigh and pressed each hand flat against their respective leg, one riding up with the position of his legs. 

“i’m not asking you to understand.” 

“oh, i understand.” he scoffed.  

“you know what i mean. i just want you to know that this is important to both of us. we’re on our own at home.” 

“that’s my concern, dude. that’s the concern.” he said. “lines are blurring. you don’t know where this is headed.” his hands folded again, fingers tapping against each other idly. i was unsettled. jason’s expression had turned vacant, boring through me rather than at me. 

“you’re taking charlotte because your father is busy, how is this any different?” 

“not my point.” 

“we’re having a real conversation, remember?” 

“the point, then, is that this is more about you and lace than it is about you, and lace.” he repeated, stressing the words ‘you’ and ‘lace’ differently in both halves of the statement. 

“okay. that’s complicated.” 

“and thus my concern for you, man. it shouldn’t be.” 

“you’re right.” i said quietly. jason finally blinked. “i can’t help how i feel. lace wants-” my mouth snapped closed hearing the door to the powder room and immediately it fell open again.  

lacey was radiant. her hair shone with finishing spray and gleamed almost as bright as the thousands of sequins on her baby blue maxi dress. a sheet of fabric that cut perfectly around her curves and delicately framed the whole of her body like a designer had modeled it around her. i struggled to find the words, mouth still agape. 

“i feel pretty.” she mumbled. even embarrassed, just a touch of rose hinting on her face that couldn’t have just been makeup, she still managed such an effortless beauty.  

“cause you, are!” maria said, admiring her handywork. she beamed towards the audience with expectation. i was still speechless, hoping that my pleading puppy dog look conveyed every feeling. 

“why don’t you go show charlotte? she should be ready by now.” jason offered. lacey visibly perked up at that and padded down the hall to find her friend. a few seconds after she had gone, he turned to maria with his arms folded. “you can’t seriously be okay with this?” 

“are we talking about the dance, or-” 

“the thing!” jason said exasperatedly, scooping a hand through the air in the general direction of where lacey had gone. 

“cain, care to weigh in on ‘the thing’?” maria asked, adding air quotes. she dropped herself next to jason on the couch, ball firmly in my court. 

“i…” my confidence faltered, with jason looking on unblinking and maria probably having put the pieces together already given her opting to make me explain.  

a lot of feelings began to bubble up and comingle with the hesitancy; regret and fear chief amongst them. ugly, sad lumps in the back of my throat that jammed it up and made me swallow everything back down more than a few times. these were my friends, people who had historically had my back through thick and thin, yet i was paralyzed imagining their responses. we had largely skirted around the uncomfortable subject of lacey and i whenever it arose by way of humor, satire, or nihilism. verbal caution tape, a warning that avoided saying the quiet part out loud. i had very firmly ignored those warnings, jumped the fence and kept walking. 

my voice ended up a fraction of what i’d intended when the last few settled nerves managed to regain control over the train of thought. “i may…have some feelings for lace.” 

jason and maria both stared, not much differently than they had been. it was hard to read their expressions, my mind working overtime to put meaning where there probably was none. looking into lines along jason’s cheeks, folds near maria’s brows. trying to do arithmetic with the catalogue of expressions i’d collected over the years spent with these trusted confidents. 

maria was the first to speak. “okay. like, brotherly ones-” her question was interrupted by jason swatting her on the shoulder lightly. “well, i don’t know, i’m an only child. half the anime jay loves are like that, right? just don’t have babies-” 

“dude!” jason and i simultaneously interjected.  

maria shrugged. “you asked me my opinion.” 

“i feel like a crazy person.” jason breathed. 

“for what it’s worth, me too.” 

“you are a crazy person. she…she’s your sister.” he breathed out again, air whistling past grit teeth. 

“it is kiiiiiinda weird, man.” maria added, dragging out the word kinda as she twirled a finger in the air. 

“mega weird!” jason said. 

i couldn’t look either of them in the eye, gaze firmly planted in the carpet. “you two are my best friends in the entire world. if you can’t understand this, if you believe i’m wrong in this, i’ll take that to heart.” i whispered. it was dead silent for another minute. jason sighed again and i heard him get up. when i lifted my eyes, he had risen to put a hand on my shoulder. 

“i hate it. it makes my stomach turn, to be honest, but nobody is gonna be harsher on you about this than yourself.” 

“agreed. i’m not gonna approve of it, but as long as you two are happy, and not having-” 

i cut maria off. “i get it. thanks.” jason looked thankful, his chin rising to track soft voices that had bubbled into the room. 

lacey and charlotte were coming back down the hall, charlotte in a champagne slip with pleated folds instead of sequins. her auburn hair had been combed up into a meticulously slicked back bun, a few baby hairs neatly gelled in place at the hairline. she wore much more makeup than lacey, something resembling a full face, but with matte gold lip color rather than any tint around the eyes. 

“i still can’t believe he’s wearing white, like, come onnnnnnn.” charlotte droned. she made a face in my direction that made me feel like a tub of ice water had been dumped on my head. 

“it’s nice, its…different.” lacey said. she smiled and that frigid chill was instantly warmed by heart melting joy. 

“he looks like he sells doorknobs.” 

“ouch.” i laughed. 

“be nice.” jason chastised. charlotte didn’t seem bothered by her brother’s request, miming a mouth with one hand and disinterestedly flicking a stray hair from one shoulder with the other. 

“ladies and gentleman, to the chariot.” maria said, clapping her hands together. it wasn’t a stretch to call her suburban a chariot either, the thing had heated leather seats. we descended from the hang out space in the upstairs and left jason and charlotte’s house to pile into the SUV. since maria elected to drive, jason had claimed the second row with charlotte. that left me and lacey to squeeze into the third.  

it was cozy. lace was leaning into me, and although i got a stiff look from jason in the rearview, i noticed he was holding charlotte’s hand. the pair were something of an engima; not looking at or even near each other, a tasteful distance between them, yet i got the feeling jason would sooner cut his arm off at the wrist than let go of charlotte. 

lacey had changed her perfume. no longer stringently sweet lilac; a soft, amply applied toasted vanilla that pulled me closer on every inhale. i wanted to inch forward and wrap my arms around her, but i had to lock in. normalcy. boundaries. she offered me a hand and i settled for that, giving her a smile in return alongside a gentle squeeze. 

“you’re gorgeous.” i whispered. “like, i think if i say what i want to say, a goddess is going to turn me into livestock.” 

“what the hell does that even mean?” lacey laughed quietly. she brushed up against me again and let the contact linger. it felt so nice to see her carefree, joyous. playful, even. i squeezed her hand, my heart skipping enough beats that it felt like the world was topsy turvy. 

“not reading the classics yet?” 

“can’t say i’m as intellectual as you, cain.”  

“liar.” i said, rolling my eyes and nudging her a bit. as if i wouldn’t know about the stack of greek literature, currently two weeks overdue, sitting on her desk. lacey reciprocated and pushed into my shoulder again. 

“laceeeyyyyy.” charlotte trilled. lace pulled away and popped her head between the seats in front of us, letting go of my hand to lean forward. “do you think the music is gonna, like, suck?”  

“i dunno, its probably gonna be dad stuff and…a slow song maybe?” 

“at least cain will enjoy it.” maria said. 

“true that.” jason smiled. i ignored the ribbing, debating looping my arm around lacey’s. she was sprawled over the second row seat, giving me more of a view of her body outlined in gentle baby blue. the dress had been constricted at the hips and waist by her seatbelt, taught with how she pulled against it to maintain conversation. i did my best to keep up the staring contest with jason. maria hit the radio and the car filled with punchy instrumentals from the red hot chili peppers blasted out from surround sound speakers. 

“ughhhhh, it is gonna suck.” charlotte whined. i tapped my foot to the beat, trying to keep my eyes away from lace, who hadn’t moved. now half leaning over the second row to blab to charlotte with a noticeable camber in her lower body. the rest of the drive went by without issue, though maria quickly tired of the chili peppers and before the song had finished we completed the trip to St. A’s with a chorus from ariana grande. 

even in the parking lot some blown out bass was audible across the open courtyard. it didn’t sound like dad rock, to my chagrin. maria left us with a wave and a peace sign, blowing a kiss to jason on her way out and no-handing the steering wheel. jason really had a keeper. 

“doesn’t seem too bad.” jason said in charlotte’s direction. she gave him an absent ‘mhm’ with half a head nod and continued blabbing to lace about some linux thing i’d heard her mention in the car. computer stuff. i gave jason a reassuring slap on the back and slung my arm around his shoulder in the same motion. 

“come on, fellow meathead. let’s go get a drink and talk about sports.” 

“god, i hope somebody spiked the adult punch again.” he said. 

“why do they even have adult punch if it’s not spiked?” i wondered out loud. nobody answered, and even though it echoed a bit while we crossed the courtyard, i didn’t bother to repeat myself. 

the gym was awash in multicolored lighting that shot up in rows of beams, each projected from huge floodlights on the side of the building. smaller lamps oscillated their glow along the ground in a whimsical disco effect, and a projector had been set up on the roof of an adjacent building to blast colorful logo announcements all titled ‘The Dad-Daughter Formal’. entry was apparently on the right, evident by the propped open gymnasium doors. 

“all out on the bat signal but you went for sandbags over a doorman?” i asked jason. 

“hey dude, frosh shit is your girl-, your exe’s deal.” jason corrected quickly. the color drained out of my face at that, realizing kirsten might be here. he shot me a look. “relax, she wouldn’t be caught dead around tayah and her dad.” 

kirsten’s younger sister, a girl i had never met but had heard all about. dad’s favorite, apparently. another quirk of our former relationship. she had known so much about me, but i only knew surface details of her. we had ‘talked’ often, almost always after sex or late at night. it was somewhat cathartic for me, but i had come to resent how one sided that always was. i would yap, she would yawn, and at some point i had wanted, needed, her to open up in the same way. obviously she hadn’t, and again my thoughts turned to maria’s comments; maybe i hadn’t tried hard enough to ask. 

“caiiiin, earth to idiot brother.” lacey called out, waving from the gym doors with the rest of our group. i had totally spaced. it took me a second to unruffle myself, blink away the thoughts and hot foot it back to my friends who were already in line to get inside. 

the event was a full house, or close to it. i was thankful for that. St. A’s was a big school and even in the sea of black tuxedo’s i saw a good amount of other colors. my original plan of wanting to stand out felt a little dumb in light of what we were doing. i was beginning to get cold feet as it dawned on me just how many people we probably knew in that crowd. the viability, the plausible deniability, the realistic survivability of our little lie all floated through my head as we waited in line. 

i was also realizing just how popular i actually was. plenty of parents knew me from track. hell, i was on posters for meets. that kid, davey, definitely thought i was team captain because of those posters, huh? lacey tugged my sleeve and gave me the raised brows of ‘dude are you good?’.  

“im fine, just, a lot of nerves.” i answered her unspoken question. she smiled, took a step towards me and put a hand on my arm. it was so innocuous it felt weirdly intimate, wrong.  

i handed our tickets over and we got hand stamps from the junior council members who were running admin. one of them was a girl i knew from the softball team, she looked miserable. i gave her an encouraging smile that she didn’t return and lace pulled me into the gym. 

all of the rec space and stuff for sports had been crammed to the sides or folded up and stacked around the periphery, including the bundles of exercise matts that just loitered in a far corner. it was loud, louder than i was comfortable with, but not so loud that it would set me on edge. music blared with no EQ and no respect for the arrangement of the arena style speakers hanging from steel cables on the ceiling. the arrangement meant sound reverberated chaotically and whatever pop song was playing ended up coming out like dubstep since every other word was censored in the clean version. 

the basketball court had been transformed into a massive dance floor, really just a space where some dads were embarrassing their daughters, and the bleachers had been packed away against the walls to create two distinct flavors of event. on one side, a DJ managed a small ‘pit’ of girls, on the other about 20 dads were clustered around tables of drinks and snacks. above the tables a banner drooped, hastily tacked at two points and not supported in the middle. the large, hand painted block letters read out ‘FREE PUNCH!’ with a black-eyed smiley face in the center. 

“i feel like there are way less dads.” i shouted over the noise. 

“frosh don’t give a shit man, 15 bucks to stay out late and dance? they’ll come alone.” jason answered, already heading for the side with the punch. i wanted to ask him why we were here, but something told me he wouldn’t answer, or i’d get a look. 

“cain? that you, son?” a voice rumbled over from the second snack table. a lumberjack of a man put his beefy hand in the air and waved at me with a smile so large i thought his face might split. 

“evening, Mr. Lindecum.” i replied, a bit too quiet for him to hear.  

thomas lindecum was lace’s old homeroom teacher from K-8. he was an overweight guy who wore it proudly and he looked even more spectacular in his 3-piece fitted suit. the flannel vest was a nice touch, that whole lumberjack thing popping back into my mind. a thick beard dominated the underside of his face, topped by rosy cheeks and an overly jolly smile. 

“your dad couldn’t make it then?” he asked. i had my story and i was sticking to it. 

“i saw date night on the calender and figured he wouldn’t want lace to miss out.” i half-lied. it was date night, which had been a critical piece of our plan functioning. 

“hon, grace went into the pit.” another shorter man said, his face worry stricken. he approached quickly, clutching the side of Mr. Lindecum’s arm in anxiety. his husband, whose name i couldn’t ever remember. i was sure it started with a c, maybe. 

“oh let her have fun, chris!” Mr. Lindecum said with a laugh. ah, chris. right. between Mr. Lindecum’s demeanor and the color of his face, i was starting to think jason might have been right about the adult punch.  

my head swiveled as i took advantage of the interruption from the other Mr. Lindecum to find charlotte and lacey. they were standing against the wall, opposite the pit and the DJ, far enough from the dads to have their own conversation. that little tug i’d felt in the car hit me in spades looking at lacey fidgeting in silence. it wasn’t like she needed saving, i just wanted that joy back on her face. 

jason was chatting up a man i recognized and decided immediately to avoid, turning my head on instinct. kirsten’s dad. he was wearing a sleek brown suit with tweed that looked like it cost more than a few of my organs. everything in his presentation was immaculately neat, down to the bladed hairline, overly stiff braids and monogrammed cuff links. even his goatee was trimmed sharp enough i thought for a second i might cut myself looking at it. the man looked like a super villain. i shivered. figuring out if lace wanted to dance seemed like a much better idea right now. 

as i approached, charlotte gave me a look like she couldn’t believe i was interrupting. my confidence wavered slightly, but i was here already, and the car ride endorphins hadn’t yet stopped flowing. 

“do you dance, or should i get lost and find whatever they seem to throwing back?” i asked, pointing to Mr. Lindecum who was rubbing elbows with another father and laughing raucously. 

“i am soooo out of here.” charlotte said, giving lacey a sympathetic look, or at least whatever she could manage for one.  

“i dance.” lacey answered as she waved goodbye to charlotte. i offered her my hand, the other against my chest. she took it with a half curtsey, mirroring my exaggeration.  

the music hadn’t appreciably changed and i felt extremely awkward bouncing in place with lacey. it clearly wasn’t her vibe, but whenever i would do something slightly funky, she would laugh; a sound like church bells. it made me grin ear to ear and filled my chest with fuzzy warmth that kept the antics going even after she had stopped. 

the tempo did finally change, though, and just as we had theorized earlier, a slow dance was starting. jason and charlotte had overcome their aloofness, joining the throng of dads who were waiting to collect their daughters from the pit. it was a veritable sea of people and again i was glad for it. 

lacey put her hands on my shoulders. i assumed the leading position and as the song started i realized that i didn’t know how to dance. people moved around us and all i could manage was a blink at lacey who looked very confused. 

“do you-” 

“i don’t.” i answered quietly. 

“just follow me.” lacey said. she had suddenly gained a determination that whisked the embarrassment i felt completely away. my face still burned and i was looking around to see if anybody had noticed the blunder, but if they had, it wasn’t enough of an issue to keep looking in my direction. 

lace had us moving in a simple two step, back and forth. as the song continued, she eventually nudged my hand and showed me how to spin her. it was hard even though she had flats on, the slip keeping her legs too close together for me to get good control. i managed though, and after the first minute i eventually took over the lead. 

“look at you, two stepping like a pro.” she joked. i twirled her again to show off my newfound prowess. i loved the way it moved her hair, the way each drill lazily swung in the air with no effort at all. 

“lace.” i breathed, my hand squeezing her waist. 

“watch it.” 

“i’m watching.” i said. she blushed; not a subtle, slight thing, but a true reddening that i could see in the dark. 

“shut it and dance.” she grumbled. we didn’t break eye contact though, and as the dance went on we inched closer, until i could have sworn our noses would brush. i caught a look at jason in my periphery, holding charlotte in much the same way. he was a more tasteful distance from her and i backed off slightly to mirror him. 

lace was biting her lip, her hands were restless at my shoulders. it felt like an hour had passed before the song came to an end. i didn’t mind dancing with her, but something was shorting out between us that made it seem so much more difficult to be this close than it had being so far apart. 

“do you want to get some fresh air?” i asked as the music began to change again. 

“please.” lacey answered. she accepted my lead to the back of the gymnasium where we slipped out of a fire exit in the sea of moving parents. her head shook in confusion as the heavy metal door shut with a clunk. “isn’t that supposed to alarm?” 

“it’s been disconnected for like a year. people kept using it as an exit and i think whoever maintains the fire systems just got tired of resetting it.” 

outside was chilly, harsh in how it bit my nose. i took off my suit jacket and offered it to lacey, who draped it over her shoulders and sat down. i joined her on one of the concrete barriers that was half planter half seating, shivering in the nippy fall air. 

“can i put my arm around you?” i asked. 

“don’t ask, just do it…” 

“it’s…embarrassing.” i said bluntly. she didn’t respond, instead leaning into me and wrapping herself tighter in my tux. i didn’t bother trying to bluster on about consent, or about boundaries. god knows how many we were breaking even side hugging like this. 

i tried to steel myself and in the moment i just…couldn’t. she smelled too sweet, looked too perfect. just glancing down at her curls, her big blue eyes, it made me put my hand on her chin and lift her face up a bit so i could see it better. 

“cain…” she started. i didn’t let her finish, i didn’t ask. i just moved to complete the electric connection that had been sparking all evening. lacey froze, shivered. her arms dropped limp at her sides and in a panic i pulled away. 

“fuck. i’m sorry, i’m sorry.” i mumbled, dropping my hand and clawing at an arm to try and feel anything but disgusted embarrassment. 

“no, uh…no. you just…” 

“god. oh god, fuck. i’m sorry.” i repeated. i could feel the world caving in around me, trees in the courtyard uprooting themselves and splintering as everything began to crash towards my field of view. 

“cain, no. it’s…fine.” lacey breathed. she snuggled back up to me. 

“you’re sure? you reacted like i stabbed you.” 

“well…it’s embarrassing.” she parroted. it was. forget burning, my face was melting. i couldn’t even remember it being cold, much less having been bothered by it. the racecar engine that was my heart still wasn’t settled either. 

“you told me not to ask-” i started, but before i could finish lacey grabbed my face with both hands. fireworks. whole body stuff, down to the toes. it was messier this time, not half bad by any means, but certainly less practiced. it could have been the worst kiss of my life and i would have dropped dead happy. when she finally let go, trembling, i pulled her into another tight side hug. 

“sorry if that sucked.” she murmured. 

“it was with you, it couldn’t have sucked.” 

“well, i’ve never kissed a boy before, so i don’t know if it’s different.” she pouted. 

“why would it-” i started, realization killing the question in the cradle. “oh.” 

“i didn’t mean to say that, it all just came out.” she breathed. i squeezed her. 

“do you think i care?” 

“no…but, you know.” lacey said, sniffing. i supposed i knew, or at least i knew people who knew and that was good enough. 

“can i ask who you’ve been practicing on?”  

“charlotte.” she huffed. 

“what?” my question came out with a little too much bewilderment. lace gave me a hard look. 

“is it that surprising? we hang out all the time.” 

“yeah but, you…and her…is she…” i stuttered, working through the logistics of that. 

“we’re both figuring it out.” 

“okay.” i said, blinking. having grown up with maria i was no stranger to same sex attraction. it didn’t bother me in the slightest, it just felt…novel in this moment, almost like finding a mole you didn’t know you had. 

“who kisses better?” i asked with a bit of affectation in my voice, nudging her. 

“kiss and tell? you better be offering something in return.” 

“kirst was a great kisser, if that’s what you’re asking. sorry to say she is a little more practiced than you.” 

“well, i need to get behind the wheel then.” lacey said, grabbing my tie and pulling me back into another series of smooches. we both jumped out of our skin when the fire exit door opened and a couple walked out. lace half shoved me away and i had to resist tilting over the side of the planter.  

jason gave me a look like he had just lost a bet. i was really hoping he couldn’t see the lip gloss that i could feel covering the bottom half of my face. 

“really?” charlotte asked with a look that was trying to kill us both. 

“oh my god dude, you couldn’t wait?” jason groaned. he took his wallet out and begrudgingly passed a fiver to charlotte who plucked it from his outstretched hand. “i can’t believe i stuck up for you.” he muttered, wallet hand on his hip, the other running through his hair like he was stressed out. 

“sorry to steal your spot, there’s room.” lacey taunted, patting the flat top of the planter. she smiled at jason and winked at charlotte. 

“we came to save you from yourselves, actually.” jason replied indignantly. my face had burned too much and it was charred now, so all i felt looking at my friend was a smug satisfaction. 

“that and one of the adults puked, so they’re wrapping up.” charlotte said, putting as little emotion as possible into her voice. 

“gross.” lacey said. she stuck her tongue out and made a face that i might have reciprocated if i wasn’t still starstruck. 

“girls, i hate to send you back inside but they’re gonna want to see you sign out through the front.” jason added, gesturing at lacey and charlotte. the girls looked annoyed, but they agreed. lacey asked charlotte for some help fluffing her hair and the two of them disappeared back inside. 

then it was just jason, the planters, the cold i still barely felt, and my own thoughts. he kicked back against the gym wall and took a cardboard pack out of his jacket pocket. the distinctive red top gave it away immediately and he held it up in my direction. 

“smoke?” jason offered. i didn’t smoke on account of probably needing to run for a living, but i had at parties before and honestly it looked cool as shit. 

“sure.” i said, standing up to accept the cig. he gave me a light and i joined him against the wall. it tasted like motor oil inhaled through 15 dirty rags, it probably was. i choked back some coughs that made it feel like my lungs were shaking themselves out of my body while he took another smooth drag. 

“look. i’m gonna get into some real personal shit, okay?” jason said. his cig hand wavered. 

“okay.” 

“this whole deal with lacey…isn’t strange to me.” he blew out smoke as he finished and let his head hang, probably the coolest shit i’d seen him do to date. 

“i had a feeling, based on how you two danced.” 

“that doesn’t make it right.” he said, stern, almost as if it was an affirmation. “we crossed some lines a few years ago you can’t uncross, know what i mean?” 

“i think so.” 

“then trust me when i say-” he cut out for a drag. “-you don’t know where this is headed. it’ll fuck you up, man.” 

“okay.” i repeated, meekly this time. in the moment, i wanted to stand up for myself. to explain just how conflicted i’d been, how much sleep i’d lost. it hit me then and there that he probably knew exactly how i felt and this was still his reaction. 

“just be careful, okay? i already told you that you’re gonna be harsher on yourself than i reasonably can.” 

“i will, thanks jay.” i said, taking another stuttering puff and letting the nicotine blur rush over me. we smoked for another minute or two, trading looks in silence. 

“ewwww, ewww, what the fuck jayce?” charlotte said, rounding the corner and holding her nose. “get a fucking juul, you know i hate those things.” 

“oh fuck off, i need it.” he grunted back. 

“cain!?” lacey cut in, hands balled into fists at her hips like a scolding mother. 

“sue me.” i said, trying to take a cool drag like jason. it burned on the inhale and as i let it out things devolved into me sputtering smoke. i could see him trying to hide a smile between puffs. 

the younger girls gave us ample space, content to chat on the planters while we waited for our ride. wisps trailed from my cig as i bounced it between my fingers, the remains burning down to nothing. i wasn’t invested enough to relight mine, but jason sparked another and soon maria had arrived and was loitering with us, her friend taylor accompanying. before she had driven over and left the car parked some distance away, they had been up studying. both wore matching sweats and buns, taylor in an oversized band hoodie with a faded graphic and maria a baggy t-shirt. i was jealous of their coverings huddled up in my dress shirt; lacey had snuck off with my jacket and it hadn’t exactly gotten warmer. 

“red?” jason offered taylor. 

“nah, i only smoke my little chinese cigs.” she said, retrieving a metal case from her purse. 

“that chinese shit is gonna give you cancer, i only buy american.” jason said. 

“jayce. it all gives you cancer…” maria trailed off. we shared a knowing look and she pinched her fingers together on the bridge of her nose in frustration. maria leaned in closer to jason, opposite me on the wall, and accepted a thin cigarette from taylor. they were smaller than jason’s cigs, with a black filter and red star printed on the paper.  

we shot the shit for a few more minutes while everyone finished their cigarettes, jason now working on his third. it had somehow turned to me and my fucked up home life. i felt a little awkward with taylor around, but she didn’t seem to care. between the messy braids that made up her bun and the assortment of metal in her face i figured she wasn’t exactly the straight and narrow type anyway. we laughed at most of it, some of us nodding our heads solemnly at the rest. jason and i piloted around the more uncomfortable bits and overall, i came out of it feeling a lot better than i had at the beginning. 

“your life feels like a disney movie, cain.” maria exhaled. smoke formed a barrier between us as her hand came back to rest on the arm propped against jason’s shoulder. 

“a fucked up disney movie.” i said. 

“man, disney is fucked up.” taylor spoke. the remains of her cig drew lines in the air that blurred into hazy curtains as she continued to pontificate. “fuckin’ racist ass walt disney. he wouldn’t have blinked at little brother-sister action, old ass white people love that shit.” she enunciated the point by tossing the dregs of her cig on the floor and stomping it out. 

“fuck walt disney.” i added. my cig had totally gone out by now, but i raised my hand anyway. after some awkward relights, we all took a drag in solidarity. 

getting home was a blur. nicotine rush and the endorphins from remembering every vivid detail of lacey’s lips still beating through my veins at racing speed. we had changed at jason’s and i had left the formal clothes there in a moment of paranoid hesitancy. it was a good thing too, because when i spun lacey up the steps to our house and took her inside by the waist, dad was waiting. 

“cain.” 

“dad.” i replied, nonchalant. my chin rose a fraction to meet his hard gaze. 

“you said home by 11:30.” 

“sorry. we stayed over, it ended up being a whole thing, maria was there and she brought-” 

“you smell like smoke.” dad cut in. blunt, accusatory. he looked like shit, even more so than usual. what remained of his buzzed hair was ruffled, heavy bags sat under tired, piercing eyes. the folded arms told me he was pissed and i’d have to navigate this delicately. 

“we used the firepit for smores…” lacey interrupted before i could speak. a good lie, especially for her. dad stared us down, unmoving. he was looking for something, anything, it felt like, to question the narrative more. i started to get nervous. my thoughts turned to kelsey and i roved over the events of the night trying to figure out what might have tipped dad off to stay up. 

“you’re blocking the way in, dad.” 

“it’s almost 1am.” he replied sternly, not giving ground. i pushed lacey back, ensuring she was protectively behind me, already starting to go down the twisting yarn i had put together about our night with friends. the makeovers, the face masks, the jock routines and so on until his face relaxed and he slumped his shoulders. 

“wash up, don’t let your mother hear about this.” he said under his breath.  

i didn’t plan to.