despite the anxiety about my little acts of rebellion, it seemed i had hit a stride in blowing off steam without sacrificing too much in either my athletics or academics. it meant lying to dad, to martha, and especially to my siblings, but i felt like that was a tradeoff i could live with if it reduced the number of sleepless nights in the attic.

therapy was mechanical. i had gotten better at digging through some of the internal mechanisms in my heart without being totally honest to Dr. Mille. without disclosing some of my more uncomfortable feelings regarding lace, it wasn’t helping nearly as much as it should have been. i even feared the act of admitting it to myself, either infrequently in my head or scratched out in my journal. avoiding the coiled bundle of feelings that so often sprang up in my chest. a touch of something bright, burning forehead and cheek, almost entirely swallowed up by ravenous guilt the moment after. not exactly the easiest thing to pick apart between carpools and exams.

meditation had gotten easier at least. crystal bay had become my ‘escape’ spot to close my eyes to the sound of the surf. a few times i had spotted keith on the shore, usually with different girls, though outside of the occasional wave we didn’t pay each other any mind. it really made me wonder how he kept them all from talking to each other.

lacey was doing better, we talked more at least. i felt like i had a better idea of what was going on in her life. we would go to the beach on the weekends together, with no repeat of the skinny dipping. it made me happy to see her less stressed, more carefree. this was the only time she really smiled and i had forgotten how much i missed that. we were both getting a little bit of a tan too. that made me worry about her laissez-faire attitude towards sunscreen, not that it was ever more than a few back-and-forth pokes before she capitulated. i still worried. mostly because i was parenting again, but a small part of me hated the stupid tightrope walk between dad and brother. it was so…uncool.

only one major incident with martha had caused me any stress and it felt like a blip on the radar all things considered. i did my usual song and dance with dad, hung my head, and rolled my eyes back up the stairs to my room. there was only so much she could do to me, with my partial diplomatic immunity as the chauffer. things were stalemated on the kelsey front, it genuinely felt like i was winning the war for the first time in years.

a gangly shadow fell over my beach towel and took me out of my thoughts. i looked up to waggle a brow at the offender and immediately broke into a smile.

“no girl this week?” i asked keith, shifting my sunglasses down.

“nah man, just the keithster” he grinned back.

“dude.”

“what, man?”

“nothing.” i chuckled, ignoring how much it had sounded like keester.

“how are you, mr. buff and tan?” keith punctuated the question with a cheeky bicep squeeze. his long legs folded together, depositing him gracefully to a sitting position at my right.

“i feel great. swimming is the best cardio, my hair is a little sun-bleached.” i said, looking away. a squeal had stolen my attention. “i look like a swimsuit model.”

“you know, when you asked for a secret beach spot i didn’t think you were gonna bring your little sister.” his shit eating grin was out of view, but i heard it on his face.

“come on dude, you know how it is.”

“i don’t know man…” keith trailed off, that stupid expression somehow audibly widening.

“dude. don’t even go there, its weird.” i said, knocking my sunglasses back down. keith shrugged with an exaggerated sigh and laid down on his back.

“she’s getting cute.”

“dude.” i snapped.

“alright, alright, cheap shot.”

“dude!” i repeated, a little bit of annoyance unintentionally creeping into my voice.

“okay, struck a nerve, sorry.” he said, nudging my back. “sometimes i forget you’re like, mega protective of the little twerp.”

“that and you’re like, the womanizer.”

“woah, man. hurtful. i prefer lady whisperer.” keith said. he made air quotes around the end of the statement like it was an unofficial title. heavy steps crunching gravel turned our heads towards the stairs down to the beach some distance away.

“yo! jay the son, put er’ here!” keith shouted, hopping up and throwing his arms wide.

“keith! been too long man.” jason shouted back, jogging over to keith and accepting the hug.

jason cunningham was a unit of a man. captain to be of the wrestling team and a JROTC kid who, surprisingly, wasn’t a total piece of shit. he had thick, bushy brows and chiseled features that gave his stocky triangular build a pretty menacing first impression. the dude was all soft though, if you got to know him. he was among the kindest and most well-meaning people i had befriended at St. A’s. maria, practically popping out from behind him, put a hand on his shoulder and took off her oversized round sunglasses. she gave me a warm smile that crinkled her nose a bit.

“hey cain, keith.”

“the gangs all here, huh?” i asked nobody in particular.

“no kirst?” maria asked, looking around. she spotted lacey splashing around in her one-piece swimsuit and gave me another look. “should i even ask?”

“i’m meeting her where she’s at.” i answered, hands up in mock surrender. maria shook her head a bit and she gave jason a kiss on the cheek before sitting down with keith and i on the picnic blanket. she had to gather up her teal sundress and make an effort to lower herself down gently, keeping one hand on the straw panama hat that covered up her braided curls.

“we brought sandwiches.” she continued, unpacking the bag and cooler that jason had brought. he was undressing, lathering himself in some kind of tanning oil that made him look like superman.

“sick.” keith said.

“no provolone for m’wah, i hope.” i joked.

“as if i would forget mr. particular.”

“hey jay, do me a favor?” i asked.

“yeah man sure thing.”

“keep an eye on lace, she loves to go out where she can’t stand.”

“no problem, mr. particular.” he replied. despite facing away from me, i could tell he was proud of himself for getting the rib in. maria looked proud of him, anyway. keith had the shit eating grin back on his face.

jason jogged off closer to the waterline and i dug into my sandwich. my friends knew me well; a BLT with turkey and no cheese to be found. maria had brought a salad in a small glass tupperware that she was attacking with a pair of metal chopsticks.

“still doing keto?” i asked.

“a lady has to maintain her figure.” she mumbled, not particularly ladylike. the chopsticks in her mouth made the words come out sounding garbled.

“a sandwich without the bread is just a salad anyway.” keith said. maria nodded between bites.

“i can’t ever stay consistent with those diets.” i replied, waving a hand vaguely.

“you just like carbs too much” maria responded.

“true.”

“and sugar.” keith added.

“very true.” i chuckled. a shriek from lace drew my attention again. she was swimming away from jason who was punching the water in her direction. it made me glad somebody was watching her, but i didn’t get a chance to revel in the security.

“so, whats the deal with you and kirst?” maria asked.

“the deal?”

“pretend i’m not here.” keith said, finishing off the last bits of his cuban. he turned around with some exaggeration, scooting over on the towel and facing the ocean.

“i don’t know. it was never that serious to begin with, you know that.”

“i mean, why aren’t you trying?” she prodded.

“it’s hard being a dad.” keith said wistfully, as if he were crooning to the ocean over a bottle.

“keith.”

“is he wrong?” maria prodded again.

“no. not entirely.” i sighed. “we just have different interests, she wants me for…” keith made a suggestive gesture over his head and i put my hand out towards him, motioning in silent agreement.

“i thought you loved her?”

“i do, well, i did.”

“sooo….” maria intoned. her head was cocked to the side, chopsticks raised in expectation of my answer.

“she got distant and i just stopped i guess.” i said flatly. “stress.”

my gaze flickered back to lace, another giggling scream making its way up the beach towards us. maria got up, peeling off her sundress to reveal a shockingly modest blue bikini with white embroider.

she didn’t seem satisfied with my answer, tutting a bit before speaking. “i’m gonna go swim.”

“i’ll join, i’m well done at this point.”

“can i borrow your shades, C man?” keith asked. i tossed him my ray bans and followed maria down to the waterline where jason was playing lifeguard.

the sun was high and bright now, harsh glare bouncing off extra clear water. it was picturesque, jason sitting in the shallows with his american flag trunks, lace diving down to pick up rocks and throw them at the horizon. why hadn’t i done this sooner? shame? it felt especially silly now.

“if i had known you were bringing lacey i would have asked charlotte to come along.” jason said.

“doesn’t she hate the ocean?”

“nah, she just hates getting her hair wet.” jason said. i looked at lace splashing around like a delinquent.

“lacey would totally splash her.” maria snorted, mirroring what i was thinking. jason shrugged.

as much as i wanted to stay here and chat, i could feel the couple making eyes at each other and decided to take over lifeguard duties. i dove in expecting the gut wrenching, lung compressing feeling of cold water, only to be pleasantly surprised by how warm it was. some small fish scattered near my feet and i instantly regretted not bringing the snorkel gear. i had to swim out to lacey. she hadn’t noticed my appearance and i was pretty sure this was past standing depth for her; it was definitely past mine.

my devious older brother side got the better of me. sinking below the surface, i kicked out in her direction until her leg brushed my side. in one motion, i flipped onto my back and hauled her underneath the water. she flailed like crazy, landing a solid kick that drove her heel into my arm. i let go and surfaced quickly after.

“what the fuck!” lacey spat, bobbing with the swells.

i nursed my arm, kicking hard to stay afloat. “even i’m treading water here, lace.”

“okay, still not cool.” she replied, wrinkling her nose at me in a pout. the sun had made her freckles pop. it was adorable, even with strands of blonde hair that breaking up the contours of her face.

“it won’t be cool when the riptide does it either.” i sighed. i didn’t have the heart to chastise her. scaring had been the goal, but now i just felt guilty. guilty and uncool.

she swam closer and nestled up underneath my chin. i instinctively turned away from the others, treading a bit to keep us both afloat. “keep me safe then?”

“sure.” i whispered, setting my chin on the top of her head.my heart was already racing from the cardio and now it was pounding against my ribcage. in the periphery of my vision i could just barely make out jason and maria flirting around in the shallows. keith was passed out on the picnic blanket, lord help him. i hadn’t seen him put on any sunscreen. lace felt for my arms and wrapped them around her. i had to strain to keep us both above the water, something i hoped hid my runaway heartbeat. “i’m gonna get exhausted at this rate.”

“shut it and swim.” she whispered back. i let my head slip just a bit, enough to put my nose closer to her hair. lilac and the ocean, sunscreen and her. my arms squeezed lace a bit tighter as fatigue set in and i felt her slight intake of breath. we ebbed gently as another swell came forward. lace’s chest brushed against my forearms and she inhaled again, stuttering a bit.

what felt like ages passed, though i doubted it had been more than ten or fifteen minutes with my swimming prowess. it was more than enough. the way she clung to me, fingers latched like the surf really would pull her out to sea forever if i let go. her breathing, short and crisp, as if every pull of air would be her very last. i wondered if my grip and inhalations were comforting her the same way, quickly discarding the thought nearly as soon as it had formed.

“awww, how adorable!” maria called out from close behind. i released my hold on lacey and let her float a few inches away from me.

“busted.” jason cut in. he was lazing on his back, the surf tossing him around a bit as tree trunk legs fought to keep him nearby.

“what? we can’t have a little bonding time?” lacey scoffed.

“you two are capital W weird.” maria laughed.

“oh, don’t make it a big deal.” i said defensively.

“look man, i’m close with my sis don’t get me wrong, but not that close.”

“she wanted to go out deeper and i didn’t want to look like an idiot while you went out to rescue her.” i replied with just a hint of annoyance. jason smiled up at the clouds and only gave me a chuckle in response.

“haven’t you like, kissed char before though?” lacey asked, staring upwards in contemplation.

“what?” maria interjected. her face was knit together in a mixture of disgust and shock, eyes flitting between all three of us.

“i have not! what the hell lacey?”

“wow man. the double standard is crazy.” i said, chomping on my lip to keep a straight face. lacey felt out for my hand under the water and patted it in a zero-g high five.

“oh shut it cain-”

“jason!” maria interjected again. both lacey and i lost it at this point. i flopped onto my back, spitting seawater that had surged into my mouth and forced my hysterics into a coughing fit.

“very funny. not.” jason griped.

“bad joke.” maria said dryly. she gave me a look like it would light me on fire, sparing lacey which i felt was just the tiniest bit unfair.

“now you see how it feels to be on the other end of it.” i said.

“point taken.” jason said.

maria sniffed. “we came to collect you two. if keith bakes any longer he’ll end up looking like a canadian prime minister at a costume party.”

“huh?” lacey asked, suddenly all serious.

“you-”

“wouldn’t get it.” i finished for jason. we shared a look and he raised an eyebrow at me. “whatever, explain away.”

jason and maria filled lacey in on the details of that particular political scandal while we moved towards the shore. the tide was coming in at this point in the day and by the time i was high stepping out of the surf it had already started nipping at our picnic blanket.

keith looked no worse for wear, perhaps he had applied some sunscreen, or he had just gotten very lucky. he did have a slightly warm tint on the underside of my shades though.

“wakey wakey, sleeping beauty.” jason teased.

“your face is a little crisp.” maria added. keith groaned and sat up.

“remind me to grab that coppertone next time.” he blinked, handing me back my sunglasses. i gratefully accepted them and offered him a hand up.

the gang helped break down camp, stuffing trash into a plastic bag and repacking all the assorted containers. the sun was setting now, hurtling towards the horizon with enough reds and oranges to catch our attention for a moment. when the majesty faded, keith being the first to bail out, we made for the concrete steps in single file.

climbing the busted up stairs felt like ascending mount everest. i trailed behind lace’s squeaky flip flops and mentally fortified myself for the last ten stairs or so. it really wouldn’t do to have the track star sitting down winded after three flights. my legs burned enough that i actually started to worry i would need to sit down. the crest eventually came and it meant hugs from the friends as they split up towards their various cars. lacey got a hug from maria and two awkward fist bumps from keith and jason respectively.

after we had said our goodbyes, i packed the wet towels and beach bag into the chevy and held the passenger door for lace. she slid in with a smile and put her hand on mine for a second before seating herself. i closed the door and made sure we hadn’t abandoned anything before circling back to sit down in the driver’s side.

“your friends are fun.” lacey said, staring out the window while i tried to turn the car over.

“they’re a hoot.” i answered. we were silent for a minute. lacey trilled her fingers on the window molding as the car started and we pulled out of the gravel lot and on to the interstate. “what happened to less touching?”

“cain, if you’re going to give me a lecture-”

time seemed to slow down. my brain was a mess. all the directions this conversation could go barraged me at the same time. the tone with which lacey was speaking, her expression. narrow eyes. pursed lips. i felt claustrophobic, choked by indecision and regret, and without thinking i cut her off, working on nothing but instinct. “i liked it.”

“what?”

“i liked holding you.” i repeated. i was trilling my fingers on the steering wheel now. the sun was setting more fully and even though the horizon was bathed in a gorgeous shower of color my mind was anywhere else.

“i did too.” lacey said softly. we were quiet again, only the road noise of passing cars and the occasional pothole breaking the atmosphere.

it felt like my thoughts were louder than that, though. banging around the inside of my head with a force i worried might concuss me. worry. guilt. so much guilt it felt like the steering wheel would break under my grip. i couldn’t settle my heart. things had been moving in odd directions, people had noticed. it wasn’t theoretical or something to agonize over with the rafters anymore.

“don’t get quiet on me, its awkward.” lacey muttered. i only got a glimpse of her face. a taught, worried expression that mirrored the one i’d seen on the couch.

something inside me snapped. maybe it had been walked over too many times, maybe the pit in my stomach had become so oversized that it had broken that little piece under the sheer mass. i didn’t know. i put my hand on her leg and squeezed softly.

“sorry i baby you so much.”

“it’s fine. it reminds me you care.” she pouted. “sorry i make you worry.”

“you don’t need to apologize, you’re…” i trailed off. the sunset had bled itself out into just a few scraps of light. bits and pieces of what remained lighting up lace’s face in a way i had to try not to stare at. “you’re just being a kid.”

“i’m only three years younger yaknow.” lacey replied indignantly. that pout. those puffed up cheeks and the freckles that dusted them made my heart twinge. she was so beautiful without even trying, in a slicked back ponytail of wet hair and without a speck of makeup. lacey said something else; i lost it in my own delusions and half focus on the roadway.

“say again?”

“there’s a dance for incoming freshman, a dad-daughter formal. i was gonna skip but…”

“wait, you want me to take you?”

“it’s weird i know. forget it.” she waved a hand dismissively. i’m not sure how i would have reacted before today, before that little load bearing part in the way down of my resolve had given, but i knew my answer here, now.

“no, lets go. i, uh, might have to borrow a suit.”

“really?”

“yeah, duh. if you want to.” i added sheepishly. my hands were shaking. it took all of my focus just to keep the car straight and make the right exits to get us home. i had more adrenaline pumping than any track meet, any hookup. there was something so distinctly wrong about the idea of accepting this invitation and in the twilight, with LED beams half blinding me, i didn’t care.

“i want to.” lacey answered. “i have a dress.”

jackpot. bingo. all sevens. every breaker in my brain must have blown at the same time hearing that. even with the ugly rumbling in the pit, guilt and fear in a death battle, and the more terrifying third party i still couldn’t quite visualize waiting in the wings, it didn’t seem to matter when she said those words.

“i love you, lace.”

“i love you, cain.