i closed the lid of my school laptop and ruffled my hair. the room, myself included, was partially illuminated by the 1:03AM glow of my old alarm clock. i rubbed my eyes. finals in a few weeks, track meet tomorrow. my arms strained as i stood and stretched, sore tendons screaming for the release of sleep. i tried to blink away the drowsiness. 

it was an effort in itself to peel my shirt off, change boxers and brush my teeth. even the simple act of spitting and rinsing seemed to sap my strength. a buzz rattled the stack of old books that had become my bedside table, then another. i instinctively checked it, tapping the silent ‘sleep’ mode on as i clambered into bed.

Lace: u up? 
Cain: Its 1 go to bed 
Lace: cant sleep. cerberus is on the phone w boy #7 
Cain: Okay 
Lace: can i come up? 
Cain: and sleep where? 
Lace: ill bring a pillow for the futon
Cain: Fine, don’t wake up high priestess

it filled me with dread imagining what dad or martha would think of lacey in my room. her comment earlier in the day about us being too close ran through my mind again. who was everyone?  

lacey didn’t really have that many friends anymore, but neither did i. neither of us had really been popular, i just got lucky that my people knew people. it helped i wasn’t as shy as she was, or at least, i was willing to talk to people i didn’t know. something that seemed to strike fear in her heart, even over phone lines, or drive through intercoms.  

our parents? parent, i corrected myself. martha was our mom legally, but we didn’t really recognize that. maybe she had made comments to lacey. more realistically, kelsey had, and that was probably the source of her animus. dad had never once commented on my closeness with lacey. he’d always pushed us together, delegated, given me his share of watching over her in the name of the common good. a soft knock on the attic door shook me out of my thoughts.  

lacey stepped in and slowly shut the door behind her. she held the handle and released it painstakingly so that it didn’t make a sound as it closed. maybe instinctively, she walked on the balls of her feet like a cat, bare feet silent on the old floorboards. her pajamas were fluffy, with cartoonish designs running across the long sleeves. similarly childish pant legs hung loosely on her body. she hesitated when we made eye contact, dropping her gaze to the pillow and blanket that were tucked under one arm. 

“hi.” i muttered. i was struggling to even keep my eyes open.  

“night.” she replied, tossing the parcel onto my fold out couch that sat across from the desk. i waved absently and laid down, passing out almost immediately. 

the next morning was a repeat of the day prior. martha getting worked up, kelsey being a nuisance, and lewis pulsating his disdain for me in my general direction. i ran through my usual routine, showered, and tried to ignore the sweet scent that still lingered in the dusty air. 

lacey had a smile on her face, even after i ruffled her hair when i sat down for breakfast. i caught some of her lilac perfume, the saccharine kind you associated with gummy candy and flavored vapes, maybe applied a bit too heavily. we made eye contact as i pulled my hand away and she smiled again. i decided to ignore it. 

the drive to school was silent. this was one of the good days, when everyone was glued to their phones and i could watch the neighbors blow leaves into the street. it was shocking how little really went on in our neighborhood. perhaps it was the highway speed intersection just one street over, keeping kids from playing in the street, or maybe it was the eclectic layout of single-family homes with sprawling front yards that were more decorative than functional. 

school itself passed without much issue and i didn’t think anything of the night prior until i was stumbling back into my room, ready to shower off my outstanding hundred-meter performance. it had been a grueling day. exam prep, remedials, and a track meet to boot. the meet itself had been pretty good actually, but i still felt the strain with every footstep, in every muscle, as i drug myself up the attics stairs. i was so tired i didn’t even notice that my door was ajar, or the over sweet scent strong in the air. 

lacey yelped, pulling a blanket up to chest level. she was sprawled out on the futon, phone now clattering to the floor, stuck in half a burrito of the same blanket she had left there that morning. she reddened, mouth half open, not meeting my eyes or smiling. i put a hand up to stop whatever she was going to blurt out. 

“i’m not even gonna ask, i need a shower.” i said dismissively, somewhat in shock. she didn’t respond or even nod, and her eyes wandered farther away from me as i disappeared into the corner half bath, comprised of just a sink and shower. it was “enough” according to dad. at least, that was his response when i’d asked if we could have something more permanent installed after he and martha had the kitchen remodeled. 

the water hit me like a bucket of steel blades dumped from the top of the empire state. it must have been 20 minutes before i even washed my hair. i just sat underneath the stream trying to process what i had seen, what i hadn’t, what i was imagining and what had really happened when i opened that door. i dried off and stepped out, towel around my waist, still so lost in thought i completely forgot that lacey was in my room. 

“bold.” she said, tapping at her phone, no longer swaddled in the blanket. her drop shoulder top and jeans were the same as what she had worn to school, no real evidence of being hastily rectified. perhaps my imagination was too overactive and i really had just surprised her. 

“well usually i don’t have an audience.” i replied absently, sorting through different shirts and sweats. it was an effort to keep the annoyed edge out of my voice. well, maybe not annoyance, but something along those lines. i’d let her come up once and now she wasn’t even asking permission. 

“kelsey is being an ass-” lacey spoke, cutting herself off after the swear. i tilted my head to put her in my periphery. she was staring out the circular attic window, light bouncing off her blonde curls. lazy swoops of shining gold that had frayed out at the ends from a long day. her features were very close to our mothers, a soft nose just slightly hooked, thin brows that sat neatly above her circular baby blues. features at odds with my own appearance; no hazelnut, no dark waves, no bushy brows and strong jaw line. just soft, sweet, rounded edges and graceful sweeping lines. 

“whatever, i’m gonna play music though.” i said, reaching for my mp3 player on one of the armoire shelves of the desk. for a moment, i almost dropped towel and changed. my better judgement intervened, sending me back into the bathroom. i decided to put on The Clash. lacey hated rock, so, maybe this would spirit her away. my finger paused on the play button.

why did i want her to leave? was this her way of reaching out to me? too clingy. prior thoughts bounced around in my head, boomeranging until i felt dizzy. it was hard to grasp even a single one before it flitted away and i was left scrambling to pluck another one from the jumbled swarm. a whole host of emotions were unseated, anxiety, frustration, that bit of annoyance from earlier. i did eventually push play and the instrumentals hummed to life from my speaker set surrounding the old TV by the futon.

i grabbed my laptop and sat down next to her. 
should i stay or should i go 

“hey cain?”
should i stay or should i go now 

“yeah, lace?”
if i go there will be trouble 

“can i sleep in here again, tonight?”